to be known...

let's start with sunday... forget that... let's start with saturday...

saturday morning i woke up semi-early for me on a saturday and within an hour i was frustrated... the family that i live with is terrific... i love them... but sometimes it's hard... saturday i thought to myself, "i'm not married to this family... i can love them a whole lot, but i don't necessarily have to stay here and be frustrated..." that sounds harsh and weird... but it was just one of those times when i realized it was time... i went back to my room and i told God, "i need to move. i'm ready..." within a half-hour, i got a phone call from the apartment complex that i was most interested in a couple of months ago... at the time, they were running a special on one apartment - 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 1000 square feet... a really nice apartment... within my price range with the special... but i couldn't commit - it was pre-salary... and i just couldn't commit... so i didn't do it... they were running the special again and the lady called to see if i was still looking and to see if i'd be interested... i told her i would be there that day... so later on, i went to apply for it and they told me they'd let me know monday... i went on with my normal birthday celebration...

sunday... i made 15 copies for the youth for sunday morning... i had 7 last week - i'm thinking - 15 will be WAY MORE than enough... i get to church... i start to look around... there are a lot of youth... i ended up with 11... and i was missing some of my "normal kids" - it was nuts... (not to mention there were only about 20 adults in the service...) and i thought... we're never going to get through "best thing/worst thing since last sunday" - the "ice-breaker" we do every sunday... much less the lesson... i think God has a way of making time go slowly when He wants things to be accomplished... we finished (almost) on time - but had a great discussion... i found myself on several occasions being amazed by what God was saying to and through these teenagers - and to and through me... but now we've outgrown our meeting space... God is already taken care of it - and we should have a new place to meet on Sunday... and... i had a true youth minister moment... (by the way - i didn't ask to be a youth minister - i just wanted to help... but God has me right where He wants me...) i was talking to a guy who had never been to our church before (i don't think he's ever been to church) and i was mentioning to the girls all around him that i was probably moving and that we should have a girls' night... and i looked at him, and i said, "i'm sorry, you can't come..." in a sarcastic tone - joking around with him... and he looked at me and said, "i can't come because i have a _____?" (when it came down to it, i couldn't type it - i try to maintain a family-friendly blog...) and it caught me off-guard... and i had an immediate decision to make... i could say, "we don't say that in church..." like i was trained to do with my good southern baptist roots... or i could just let it slide and continue to talk with him... i opted for the second choice... i was rebuked by a youth minister friend at school... "you need to set up clear boundaries and not allow him to say stuff like that..." which made me angry - this kid needs to know he's accepted as is... yes, if he decides to accept Christ and begin a relationship with Him, we'll work on it... there will be standards and boundaries... but for now, i want beau to feel like he's not pre-condemned because he doesn't know what is okay and he says something that is unacceptable in church... i loved it... anyway - after the service, i went and sat down with some other ministry people from the church and i said... "have you ever prayed for something so long that you felt like it was never going to happen and when it does, you don't know what to do with it?" - that's how i felt... God has given me a place to serve... kids who are excited about Jesus who don't know all the technical terms, haven't been raised in church but want their friends to know what they've found and how precious it is... and then i had an "orienteering" meeting at the pastor's house - kind of a new member's meeting - an informational meeting to talk about what the church is about... which was awesome, too... i went home feeling like i had found my place and it is a great feeling...

yesterday... i get to work - am telling some of the ladies about the possible move on saturday... and i go back to my office and one of the other ladies (who wasn't standing there) calls me and asks me if i can use a small dining room table and chairs... she didn't know that i am even thinking about moving... but she has it in her car for me to look at... i don't have a lot of furniture - just bunk beds and a chair for the living room and a frame for a full or queen size bed (but i don't know which)... yeah, that's it... but as of yesterday, i will be getting in the next few days - a hide-a-bed sofa, a dining room table and chairs, a dresser, another living room chair and i think a full or queen size matress/box springs - depending on what i need... and this morning i was offered a futon... oh - and a microwave... and heather and christopher are coming down saturday evening to help me get settled in and to bring me something, but she won't tell me what... yeah... - oh and the guy from the apartments called me and said i got it - with no security deposit, even...

so then yesterday was a great day - and here was my epiphany... i've struggled for a long time... i've been looking for a church, a place to be involved in ministry since august... i've been trying to find a place to live since june... and it's like God's been holding it all... and yes, it's been frustrating... but it's like He was saying... "Yes, I've been watching you... I've seen you struggle... I know it hasn't been fun... but you've stayed constant... you haven't given up... and now... now, I'm giving it back to you... and it's better than you can have imagined... you're ready for a little bit... but stay faithful... and don't forget the struggle you went through... you'll be able to help someone in the journey..."

something like that... and i was way overwhelmed yesterday... to the point where, when heather called to tell me she was coming down to help... i hung up the phone and started crying... i've been feeling really alone lately and it was like, "you're not alone..." that kind of feeling... and the fun part was - i was sitting at applebee's with three guys from school and i break down into tears... and i will stand by my opinion that there is nothing worse than girls crying in front of guys - especially when they don't know what's wrong...

so i call trusty friend amy (*smile) and tell her about all of this stuff... and i know she's struggling with stuff... and i realize... this is an opportunity... i try not to say a lot of stuff to her, especially because i don't want it to sound the typical christian way of "things will get better... just wait..." - she has been waiting - and faithfully... but for some reason, i said a lot of stuff that was on my heart... you can ask her... just trying to encourage her because i love her so much... she's amazing... and then i go into the house... and there's a package waiting on me from amy for my birthday... i'm glad it didn't get there on my birthday because it was a perfect ending to a great day... in it was a lot of fun stuff... but my favorite was a cd she made me... as i listened to it, i thought, "she knows me... she really knows me... it's such a random cd... but i realized how good it feels to be known by my friend... like i'm not alone even though she lives a million miles away from where i live... and then i talked to my friend jeff last night, too... and that's always cool... because i feel like i can be real and honest with him... and i was just really glad that he called... it was awesome...

i know i've left a ton of stuff out - but i wanted to get this much down... as i reflect, i may have more to add... and maybe the playlist of my cd... which is awesome!!!